Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
