Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
