I am puke
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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