Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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