no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
