There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
