and you said cock pushups were impossible
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
