Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
