I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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