1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
