woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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