someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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