I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
