I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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