I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
