I bet he comes in French.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
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Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.