I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
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just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I cuddled with a man named Pickles