Kareoke will never be a sober sport
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
