She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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