I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
