walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
pray to the hookup gods
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
