I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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