I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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