everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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