Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
