Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
