I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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