Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
