I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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