Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
