I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
