It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
