I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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