okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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