I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
