she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
