On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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