Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
