You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Yo dont text me then not text me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
