Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
