Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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