I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
