A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
