I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
