What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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