grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
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Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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