i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
