At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
