Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
