Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
