Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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