I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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