i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
