I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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