tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
